From Conflict to Freedom
The Magic of Surrender.
Wanting out of my 19-year relationship with two children was one of the most painful experiences I have ever endured. What was even more excruciating was a few years after that when my then 14-year-old son decided to live with his dad full-time.
Life was not easy after our divorce, especially because we had known each other since childhood, and our families were so entangled.
My son was 12 then and was curious about what went wrong with the marriage. He couldn't understand why mom wanted out, seeing that we were good about sheltering our kids from what was lingering beneath the surface.
Every divorce needs someone to blame. Our mind feels safe when we can find a target for our pain, and I just so happen to be that target.
Honestly, I didn't even have the language to articulate how I got to that place. All I knew was that the marriage had no pulse and felt very disconnected. It felt suffocating, and my only response was to run to safety.
It took years before I could develop the awareness and understanding of why leaving the relationship was my only option. I didn't have the words to explain myself to my son or anyone, for that matter. That, coupled with the fact that he was a young teen, was a recipe for perpetual conflict.
I worked with many counselors and coaches on my journey toward healing. Some were great, some not so much, but even those served a higher purpose.
My son was caught between two wounded souls, fighting to keep their egos and pride alive, and it was impossible not to get burned.
The courts ordered us to get counseling, and I learned much in that process. The first thing is that the courts are not designed for healing. The second thing is that parents are there to defend and prove their worthiness; no judge or courtroom can dictate that. That kind of system is damaging and built on a foundation of lack.
It didn't take long to see that the system had significant flaws. I felt like I needed extra support because we were getting absolutely nowhere, spinning round and round in the perpetual hamster wheel, so I thought private counseling was the next best option for my son and me.
After several sessions, I started seeing a pattern emerge. I was constantly defending myself as if I was on trial. The words my son regurgitated did not come from him, and when I finally put the pieces together, I realized that I had been doing this my whole life.
A voice spoke to me and said, "Marisa, you have been working to prove yourself worthy your entire life. You did this throughout childhood, in your marriage, and now you are defending yourself as a mother. When are you going to learn!?"
What had I been doing to that little girl inside of me? It saddened me to think of how I made her feel unworthy and exhausted herself for love and acceptance.
It was finally time to stop twisting myself inside out. I couldn't do it anymore, not even for my son.
There was nothing else left to do but SURRENDER.
"Surrender is not giving up. It is letting go of the illusion of control. Surrender is taking back the only control you have, control of your inner world. This is the only control that actually matters because it is from within that create all that is outside."~Nicole Elodie
Surrender did not mean I gave up or didn't care. It meant that I loved myself more than allowing anyone to take my worthiness away. It meant that I did not control anyone or anything.
In that letting go of control came this release within my entire body. It was as if I was holding my breath the whole time, and I finally could relax and create space for time to heal what was between us.
What would I have taught my son if I allowed him to witness his mother on a witch trial, depleting her sense of peace so that she could win a battle of egos? What I was doing to myself wasn't unconditional love; that was feeding the need to win the fight at all costs, and that wasn't the legacy I wanted to leave my children.
I can't explain the freedom I felt when I surrendered. I realized that there was nothing anyone could take away from me unless I allowed it. And when you put the fight down and stop defending and recognize that you are worthy of love just because you exist, you stop exhausting yourself and focus on what really matters~YOU!
In time the relationship with my son fell right into place because I no longer fueled it with needing him to make me feel worthy. We no longer had this attachment of lack between us. In surrendering, I could sever the wounded attachment and rebuild a relationship on a solid foundation this time, one built on pure love.
