What’s the Real Reason You Don’t Feel Safe in Your Body?

It was never about “the diet.”

It wasn't until I sat in my first plant medicine ceremony with a healer that I realized I had never felt safe in my body. Not only did I not feel safe in my body, but I had broken trust in myself since childhood.

During our ceremony, the healer asked me this profound question: "Marisa, have you always felt safe in your body?"

I was a little caught off guard by that question. Why was she asking me if I always felt safe in my body? I was never abused or betrayed in any sexual way. In my head, I thought that was the only reason not to feel safe in the body.

My mind started scanning memories, but I realized that was not what she meant.

There's something about being with plant medicine that has the power to instantly drop you to the source of any question you seek clarity with if you are ready and willing to see the truth.

At that moment, it hit me. There are many other reasons not to feel safe in your body.

I went to lie down and contemplated this new neuropathway that had just opened up for me. As I journeyed to the center of my heart, I reached the core reason I had not felt safe in my body, and at the core, I saw my mother.

Downloads began happening. I saw decades of dieting that my mom normalized for me. As a young girl, I witnessed my mom on every diet imaginable. She was never NOT on a diet. I thought that's what women do—we diet.

As I recalled all these memories, a deeper question pressed into my heart. I couldn't understand why as a young girl, I was ever on a diet in the first place. I was not an overweight child. I realized that all I wanted to do was connect with my mom and be loved unconditionally. I wanted her to tell me that I was perfect the way I was and that I never needed a diet to be seen in my perfection.

At that moment, I understood that she couldn't give me something that she was unable to give to herself. I felt the pain of it all, the not-enoughness, the brokenness we carry around, hoping another diet will fix it, only to be let down repeatedly because that was never the solution.

In my meditative state, I asked my mom, "Why couldn't you tell me that I never needed a diet to be loved, that I was already perfect? Why did you let me do every diet with you?" The tears washed the decades of unconsciousness away.

I knew there was only one thing left to do.

I had to forgive my mom for not knowing any better. How could she give me something that she couldn't first give herself? She could only love me and meet me right where she was.

We can only love others unconditionally if we know how to love ourselves unconditionally. That's why it isn't selfish to put ourselves first!

I then forgave myself for buying into the belief that I wasn't already perfect and that I never needed a diet to determine my worth.

Walking away from three decades of diet insanity and forgiving my mom and myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I realized I didn't feel safe in my body because I broke trust the minute I bought into the belief that "the diet" knew better for me than I did.

Learning to trust my body again and feel safe has taken some time. So I definitely wouldn't say I have it all figured out. But, like all relationships, I have slowly built up trust by continuing to show up for myself and love myself even when it isn't always "perfect."